i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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