When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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