so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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