I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
