what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize