The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
