I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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