I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
