So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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