go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
