pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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