sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
