are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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