Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
No more Irish car bombs ever.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize