So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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