I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
