all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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