I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
