I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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