We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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