Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
