i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
