You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
