and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
