yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
