Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
