Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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