You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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