just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
