You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The uberlube is also flammable
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
