how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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