I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
