so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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