Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
