And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
