you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
