you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
