ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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