So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
