Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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