Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
