Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
