I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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