Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
