...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
