Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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