youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
