And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
