im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
