I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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