We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
