Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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