It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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