i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
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