Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
