Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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