Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
operation have a gay friend backfired
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
