I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
